| Ahh yes, here I am again. I find myself coming here when I've got a lot on my mind. I can either let it out or keep it in. Life is all about timing I suppose. We tend to think about what if's and we sometimes wish we could go back and replace all the words that have come out wrong. Either way, it is what it is and there is no way to back track in this life. Even if there was though, I dont know that i'd change anything anyways. I feel like a fool lately. You know, everyone tells you to trust your gut but has your gut ever lied? Mine seems to be playing tricks on me and I haven't a clue as what I should do about it. I have been trying to play the "just walk away" card and that isnt even working. No matter how far you walk, the thoughts are still there and the hurt lingers on. It's at that moment of running away that you stop and tell yourself to just fix the fears that have brought you here and find a way to make things right. Sometimes doing all you can to make things right aren't even good enough to someone else though. Is that when we simply say good-bye? I almost can't believe in that anyways. Maybe we're all just fools..and maybe I'm wrong. yes, thats it. I'm wrong.
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| The world is a shallow, dark place but when you find love, the world is beautiful again. "Love actually is, all around." -Love Actually. |
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| I haven't found myself here in awhile now. I dont even know how to express how I feel but I know it has been too long and I need this now. Have you ever felt that you've found exactly what you needed and lost all you had at the same time? I've opened a door and closed a few more. Maybe this is me thinking too much or maybe my gut is true tonight. I've lost the happy medium and it's up to me to find it again. I know that I have been on my own for so long that I've lost all senses to how to make this work and still be happy and feel accomplished. I do not doubt my faith and no matter how much work and time it takes, I'll figure this out again. I just know this is what I need and want. This job is something that I have to have and all other benefits follow. Maybe I've been too hard on myself and maybe I haven't been as true to certain people but I do not feel that I dont deserve this happiness either. Why shouldn't I be excited and happy? Why shouldn't I work hard and do what feels right? I still love you, dont you know? I am always here for you, please remember. I just do not understand why I have such a guilty feeling inside and it really sucks because this is what I want. I can't please everyone in my life all the time. No one is perfect and I just can't be two places at once. I've been so exhausted lately and I hate it but I also have no choice. Growing up isn't all its cracked up to be. I just need to pray about things...that's all.
-Stevi
Some day this will all make since.
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| Have you ever dreamed with your eyes open? You know, those sort of dreams where you could be anywhere but absolutely nothing seems real? As of late it seems I've been dreaming with my eyes open. I feel that I've walked 20 years and Ive finally noticed what is real and what is not. Maybe I've been niave and maybe I've been a fool for believing so much of everything you've ever said to me, but this was the absolute slap in the face. Ill always forgive but believe me, I will never forget. I have loved you forever and I have always tried my best to tell you the truth. I have listened and I have given so much of my own. You've taught me so many great things. For example, "Treat others the way you would want to be treated." and, "Don't do drugs." and, "Always say please and thank you." Youve given me hope inside to follow my dreams and youve given me the knowledge to believe everything happens for a reason. You've been disapointed in me and that was the worst feeling I have ever felt and I apologize x1000. You've been real and supportive. Youve given me everything I've ever wanted and then... you broke my heart. Now I look into your eyes and my heart shatters to imagine what you will be like in a few years to come. Because of the addiction you've created, I know some day I will have to deal with it all alone. I will have to mourn and I will have to grieve, alone. I will say, "what if" and I will weep until my body breaks down. I will cry a river and probably die from a broken heart. It isnt the fact that you have done it. It is the fact that you continue todo it, knowing that your child knows and knowing the hurt youve caused your child. You're still my everything. You're still the heros in my life and you'll always be the best people in my life but you should know the hurt you've caused and the anxiety you've created. You should know I will not forget this. I will not choose to live with my eyes closed ever again. And if you expect me to go on and pretend the way you've pretended my entire life then you're just plan stupid. I will not accept this and I will move on... but the hurt, the pain will always remain in this warm heart of mine. </3 |
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